Tuesday, May 31, 2005
ok...i'm not really sure how to write this..a bit scared of offending or irritating people...but anyway. i thought an explanation was in order. just in case.
on my randoms page, i have a few poems written either when i was at one of my lowest points in life or just sort of dragging myself out of them. everyone has those points in life. for me, i try to get it out of my system by writing about it. a few of them sound depressing or suicidal, other start depressing and suicidal, then pick up as it follows how i realise certain truths i had forgotten somewhere along the way. others i write for one person or with that person in mind.
so i apologise for sounding depressed and suicidal, but at the same time i dont apologise for going through those times because i actually (believe it or not)learn from those times, painful as they might be. the poems are there as a memory and as a reminder for me. maybe some people might not understand that, or understand why i would broadcast that to everyone. but one thing about me is that i don't like talking when i am going through those times or once i've been through them. i suppose because i'm afraid to let pple know that i'm human too and i get silly and forget my friends and my God and i fall too. that i'm not perfect.so i keep quiet and some friends get scared because i'm not talking when they know something is wrong. but for some reason i can write about it, either during or after, so for those friends, my poems explain what was going on in my mind and how i felt and so on and so forth. and i suppose it's an insight to me, a look inside behind the wall, if you want o put it that way.
it helps to remind pple that i hurt too, and i get angry and i get depressed, but i'm still alive, and i will continue to live, because everytime i fall, God picks me right back up again, when i ask Him for help and i open my eyes to His truth. and even though, stupid as always, i keep falling and i take ages to finally give up the control which i dont actually have and give it all to God, He will keep loving me and holding me and building me.
if you see me as just another teenage girl who's all depressed and suicidal and wanting attention, i'm sorry if you see it that way. i don't mean to appear that way. i suppose that's partly why i made it a seperate page, it has random things that make their way into my mind, so most of the thoughts section are more interesting things than my "sad" life. the poems section on the other hand, would mostly have me at my worst cos that's when i write. when i'm all happy and enjoying life, i dont need to write and i'm to busy to sit around to mope and write angsty poems.
so i suppose it's one of those 'enter if you dare' things, but i also ask, please, if you do choose to read my poems...that you do not judge me by it, that u respect that i would write about those times in my life, and that you forgive me if it either makes you worry about my state of mind or about the impression that i would give others by it.
again, i apologise if i've offended anyone or anything. this really isnt aimed at anyone in particular, nor is it written in anger or to lash out. i only ask i suppose for an open mind and an attempt at understanding
3:43 pm
alone* in the rain;
