alone*

Saturday, September 30, 2006

i want butterfly kisses
and picnics by the sea
i want to smile for you
because it makes you happy

i want a surprise breakfast
that you serve to me in bed
just because you felt like it
or to make up for something you said

i want walks in the moonlight
and dancing in the rain
i want to see you pull your hair
because i'm driving you insane

i want to bake for you at 3 am
just because i couldn't sleep
and have you yawn and hold me close
as you mumble that i'm a freak

i want you to yell at me
or glare and roll your eyes
whenever i do something wrong
when you catch me in my lies

i want firm decisions
that you'll make cos i don't know
i want respect for my opinion
and subtle 'i told you so's

i want hugs because i'm sad
and you sensed my mood somehow
i want you to tease my patience
for something later instead of now

i want to believe it
when you tell me i'm beautiful
despite baggy eyes and frizzy hair
to know i'm precious to you

i don't need perfection
i'd never feel that i deserved it
i just want my other half
who balanced me and fit

you'd be beautiful perfection in your imperfect lines
and that's all i could ever ask for
for me to be your dream just as you are mine

1:44 am
alone* in the rain;

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i want it
i need it
so badly
every fibre of my being
straining
to feel it
to know

this body is too small a vessel
to contain
everything locked in
emotion pent up
skin tight
barely restraining
close to bursting

stars
i want to see them
i want to feel them
burning
blinding blackness
light
white

i just want to know
it's just beyond my grasp
just...
just there
can't stop the trembling
the yearning
just let me feel
let me feel it
just once

please...

magic and mist
it doesn't exist

just reaching
falling
wanting

hating the helplessness
the inexperience
the need to know
i can't

please...

it's all in my mind
imagination
dreams
lies
and even that's not enough

confused ramblings
lost phrases
abstract ideas
disappear in the mists
i don't know
where i begin
or where i end

tangles
mazes
words
memories
intangible wisps
drowning
strangled

it's funny
ironically
i know more than i know
know more than i feel
the mind takes you places
that your body's never been
which is fantasy
which reality

what's real
and how much just wishing
yearnings
for something more
because what is real isn't good enough
isn't real enough
something missing
embellishments

now cynical
now skeptical
bitter
cold
too flat to hate
i just can't

forbidden
i know
i know...
concealed
hidden
so curious

and i can't bring myself to care

dangerous
subtle insinuation
creeping insecurities
silent evil
i see
really i do
i'm not blind
i refuse to be naiive
it's a fine line
between knowing enough
and knowing too much
i don't want to be taken over
i won't let it

but i need to know
desire
need
reason has deserted me
and left
yearning

what for?

i don't know

you don't understand
i don't blame you
most times i'm not even sure i understand myself

i don't know when i ceased to think
and now sink
float
in moments where i just

feel...

yearning

3:33 am
alone* in the rain;