alone*

Saturday, August 13, 2005

i think i dont like dreaming...i dont know if i've ever had a good dream perse. i dont dream very often. when i do there are various types of dreams i can have. there are the ones that are like nightmares but i know it's not real. they start to get scary and i sort of can feel myself being oulled into them, and i think the lack of control scares me and i try to drag myself awake. i liken that feeling to trying to pull yourself out of swiftly hardening cement or quicksand. i generally manage to wake up tho. most of the times i dream i am sort of half awake and i can occasionally change parts of the dream(if that makes sense). then there are the wierd dreams that have me wondering if they are prophetic, like me going to aussie and making certain people, that strange sense of deja vu. then there are the wierd but scary ones, like ones i had just a few days ago of first my dad dying, then a few days later of my mum dying. i knew i was dreaming but that awake presence was not as strong, so i still remember that awful tight feeling of not being in control and of not being to stop something bad from happening. man i hate those dreams.

writing about it now makes me think of my tendency to need to be in control. it's played a huge part in my walk with God, that need to control what's happening in my life so that nothing too bad can happen. and i still struggle with letting go and letting God be in charge of my life. like a parent learning to let their child be independent, feeling the need to reach in and stop them from doing something you know is going to hurt them. and knowing that they have to learn for themselves. i hate losing control of myself, of my emotions. obviously you have 'normal' emotions and reactions like anger and sadness and even happiness, but i guess there are times i can get extreme and most times i manage to control myself and keep myself from tumbling over the edge of reason. and so many times logic and practicality and as always the fear of losing myself keep me from over reacting. but there are the very few times when the boundaries i build and the restrictions i have on myself just beg to be crossed and i cant rein in my emotions. i panic and lose myself to a storm of just feeling. not very good:P it is that control that keeps me from screaming and reacting violently in anger when something really irritates or upets me. it's also what keeps me from crying and wailing and killing myself when life gets tough. i've lost count of the times i've wished for a sound proof room and earmuffs so i can scream all the rampant emotion out rather than it expressing itself in more harmful ways. with good emotions like happiness i obviously indulge myself and go crazy, so much so that some friends of mine get worried if there isnt a smile on my face. i like laughing, i find many thing amusing, although that cause problems sometimes as people think i'm laughing at them(like mocking them personally or something) when really i would have laughed if it had happened to anyone. half the time i'm laughing at myself and my wonderful accident proneness anyway. and then there are those times that have me labelled insane as something others find only mildly amusing has me literally rolling on the ground in laughter,crying my eyes out. it happens:P i suppose part of it is a defence system. sometimes i smile because if i didnt i would cry. and most times you have a choice, like pessimism and optimism, it all depends on perspective. you can either mope and sulk about the unfairness of life and how the world hates you or you can take joy in the simplest of things like a smile. and most of the time, i choose to smile. so much so that it can become a mask, hiding my pain from everyone else. and the more i grow, the more i realise how so many people do the same. i suppose in a way, it becomes automatic. again one of those could be good could be bad things. and i really dont know why i'm writing all this down. normally this sort of thing i keep within my inner inner circle of friends, if i tell even them. i am normally quite a private person. i suppose it's easier to write it down then tell someone about it. it could be an appeal for understanding not just for me but all the others with their masks of smiles, hiding their problems so deep within themselves that even they forget they exist until the pot boils over and an explosion and breakdown occurs. and we rant and rave, but it's mainly the emotion talking. i dont know if i've managed to express my thoughts acccurately but i hadnt even planned to say any of this when i started writing this post, the thoughts jusft flowed(more like thundered through leaving me vaguely bruised and disoriented). part of the trigger being eugene's post i think. i think...

well, on to a completely different topic which i was originally intending to post:P i had my very first formal babysitting job on tues!!!! it was fun, but one thing that really struck my as being wrong and knocked me off-kilter was one of the boys i was looking after. i cant remember what the incident was, but this FIVE-yr old boy kept saying "oh my god". and it just sounded so wrong coming from his mouth. i mean he's a really sweet boy and not vulgar or anything. i dont think he even really appreciated what he was saying. and i know that i'm probably over reacting, but it's just strikes me as being wrong, that a five yr old would use God's name so casually. i'm not blaming his parents or anything, but it just really sunk in how much of an influence not just parents but even random strangers could have on a kid's vocab. they hear an adult reacting a certain situation in a certain way(like swearing) and assume that's ok or even the right thing to do, so they start doing it too.

and it saddens me, that society is such that you hear even christian's swearing, though it mentions multiple times in the bible not to use God's name in vain. i grew up thinking that good christians didnt swear or smoke or drink excessively, i suppose mostly that they didnt swear, as to me that was the "easiest rule" to obey. i dont want to judge them, i guess it's more of the way i've been brought up and the misconceptions that i had and possibly still have. i cant expect pple to be perfect and expect christians not to sin when i myself do so so often. maybe it just triggered a deeper reaction and realisation of how far we have fallen. humans have a way of compartmentalising(for lack of a better word as it's too cold to think) things so that we've ranked the severity of sins. to us killing someone is so much worse and more "wrong" than a little white lie, when really to God sin is sin and there isnt any big or small sin. i sometimes wonder if they even know it's a sin( if only for the fact that it might cause others to fall). because according to the bible, even if the sin was unintentional you were still guilty of it. also, if you thought you were disobeying God by doing something (which wasn't actually a sin), and you still did, it would have been a sin as you did it knowing you would be disboeying God.

there was also something that mich brought up cos someone else brought it up. and it involved 1 John 5:16-17

if anyone sees his brother commit a sin that dooes not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. i refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. i am not saying that he should pray about that. all wrong doing is sin and there is sin that does not lead to death.

we've always been taught that the wages of sin is death (romans 6:23), but john wrote the letter in 1st john to christians, so mich was worried about the sin that lead to death. and it was explained that the sin that led to death was rejecting God and his forgiveness(which would make sense:P) which was also explained in the rest of the verse in romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

and i suppose it's a relief to know that, i know mich was quite relieved:P that even if we sin, whatever sin it was, if we repented and came to God for forgiveness, we'd be saved.

7:55 pm
alone* in the rain;